Motherhood Chronicles 1- Nursing Journey: A Transcendent Experience

The Most Courageous Act – To Love Yourself

That was my first Zumba session at my newly joined Gym (which includes cardio, endurance, flexibility training, yoga, Zumba and other outdoor activities). I, being a dancer, was very skeptic and prejudiced about the session for two reasons. 1. I am a classical dancer; I have never done anything like this. 2. Why should I join Zumba for fitness as I have my own dance form. I felt ridiculous and scolded myself for doing everything other than my dance practice. Then the trainer came in with a beautiful smile on her face. I could immediately sense her charm and positivity. She gave general instructions and asked if anyone of us danced before. I didn’t show off that I am a dancer and kept quite as I am sure I cannot do great Zumba on songs like ‘Kala Chashma’ and  ‘High heels pe nacche’ :-p . The session was good and I was amazed by the smiling and energetic face of the trainer. The way she carries herself while dancing is amazing. All through the session, I had mixed feelings of sadness, weirdness and goodness (felt good as I fell in love with my Zumba instructor :p) and I didn’t smile at all. While my physical body was enjoying dancing with her new Zumba instructor, my mind was chattering non-stop about my fitness goals, practice, performances, to do lists, PhD, scolding me for my laziness and procrastination etc. 

While I was mentally and physically busy, the session ended and the trainer called all of us to come in front of the mirror. She asked all of us to look at ourselves in the mirror and say “Hey You beautiful! You are fantastic.” And asked to repeat “I love and accept myself the way I am. I love myself”. We were also asked to give ourselves a nice and passionate flying kiss. While this whole act was happening, tears were rolling down from my eyes unconditionally. It was only then I realized how I forgot to love myself despite having a fulfilling life, great loving parents and friends, a passionate career and good health. It’s been ages I looked into the mirror to appreciate myself. I have always been in front of the mirror to curse myself  like “oh Sindhu! You became fat!” “look Sindhu! You became old. You are not taking care of your skin”, “How can you be so lazy Sindhu?” “you are not studying properly now a days”. Not that I have always been this way. But most of the times, it is this kind of strategy to push myself to work hard. Also I was brought up around people who were very subtle when it came to appreciation. I was not exaggeratedly appreciated for anything neither by my dance master nor by my relatives and parents. I didn’t even bother about it but somewhere deep inside, I forgot to appreciate and love myself.  I was seldom happy that too for a few minutes if somebody else said that I was beautiful or I did a great job. A third person’s validation gave me a temporary satisfaction. I have not realized this subtle nature in me or probably never bothered about this subtly negative self talk which I thought was modesty or hard work or some other non sense :D . 

Somewhere deep inside, we knew that we are all awesome and we can do great things in life. But we kill this idea of appreciating ourselves with a fear that we become too obsessed with ourselves. Probably for this reason, the world is seen in two extremes today. On one side, are the people who are ignorant and blissful and over estimate themselves. The other side, lies the people who are actually doing great things in life but don’t realize that fact. The problem with them is that their own expectations on themselves are very very high. LOL. Which is why, once in a while, let us stop the rat race, look back and see how far we traveled in this beautiful journey of life crossing all the hurdles. We are what we are because of our own effort. Also let us make it a habit to say people around us that they are wonderful and beautiful and they are doing a great job. Let us not take anybody for granted. So, today I called up my mom and said, “I love you Mom”. She said “Is everything fine? What did you eat yesterday night?” :D :D I should thank my charming Zumba instructor for making me realize this fact.

Oops. I don’t even know her name. Monkey Mind : “ Not fair!! Chi sindhu!! You’re such a stupid!” Beautiful Heart: “No No dear! Take it easy. Find out her name tomorrow. That’s ok!!! ” Oh yes!! My heart already started following my instructions. To love myself. Hope my mind doesn’t spoil it.  So let us be courageous enough to love ourselves.  

After all, Rumi said, “Love is the bridge between you and everything!!”

And and and I edit this post, as I found out my charming Zumba Instructor's name. She is Namratha Bhanothu. Once again, thanks to her for making me realize to love myself :)

This is our happy lady!! Namratha! :)